It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions for me the last ten days.
Watching my friend (and past teammate) Stef Fleckenstein crash in the Val D’Isere downhill last weekend was very hard and a bit challenging mentally for me. Every athlete knows the risks of the sport, but I think a lot of us are able to convince ourselves in the start gate that that will never happen to us (or at least I think I do). This is the only way it’s possible for me to truly give every run everything I have and throw myself down the mountain. Of course, deep down I know and accept the risks, and I also always remind myself that the safest way for me to ski is aggressively. As soon as I back off a little, I’m not only unbelievably slow, but it also puts me into more of a compromised position. But I quite honestly don’t really think of my safety that often. Unfortunately you’re forced to address this intentional delusion when you watch one of your closest friends crash super hard right in front of you in the finish which is supposed to be the safest part of the course!
I thought I had cleared my head and had a good game plan for the downhill race (especially the harder sections) when I pushed out of the gate for my run, but when I quickly found myself out of the course on the top easy sections, I think I must have been more distracted than I thought.
I was able to refocus for the super g and was SO excited and confident going into the race and pushing out of the start gate. But unfortunately, my tips crossed and I hipped out at the bottom of the course missing out on a really great opportunity to score points (only 32 girls finished that day).
After the SG race we immediately packed the cars, said goodbye to our family and friends and started the 8 hour drive to San Pellegrino where we were racing a Europa Cup series starting the next day.
The entire drive I was oscillating between being super upset and disappointed in myself about my performance in Val D’Isere and then feeling guilty for being upset whenever I would think about Stef and her crash.
I’ve struggled in the past with whether or not I ‘deserve’ to be upset about ski racing. I objectively live a pretty incredible life and my ‘troubles’ are relatively pretty inconsequential. But I’ve come to realize that getting upset about being upset is 1. Entirely unproductive and 2. Not fair to the amount of time, work and passion I’ve put into skiing. So whenever I find myself slipping into being critical about my emotions, I try to be objective with my reflection and then use those insights to be constructive in what I’m going to do differently for future races. Slowly I’ve started to learn to accept whatever emotions come up without judgement, which, in the case of this past week, was a lot! This flood of emotions happens once or twice a season and I think the combination of Stef crashing, me not capitalizing on the Val D’Isere super g, and then racing a super flat downhill europa cup that I got crushed in was just the perfect combination of events to put me over the edge and feel all the feels :( I had a great breakdown with my coaches, but we worked through it and I’m happy to report that I’m feeling confident in my plan and outlook moving forward.
Something I always try to tell myself when I get super upset about skiing is that I’m feeling this way because I care SO much about this sport. And I feel very lucky to care so much about what I’m currently committing to. Honestly, gratitude for all the emotions skiing brings me is a pretty recurring theme for me lately.
Stef’s crash also brings to light how grateful I am to still be healthy and able to pursue my skiing to my utmost ability.
As a quick update for everyone who’s reached out about Stef, she posted this instagram yesterday. She is one of the toughest and most determined people I know, so I’m quite confident she will crush her rehab :)
I’m flying home now for a quick 6 days break at home, more grateful than ever for the opportunity to be testing my limits to the extremes in so many different ways. I am incredibly excited for the couple days at home with the family, but also eager to get back on snow soon and back to work!
Happy Holidays everyone and cheers to a great season ahead :)
P.S. A huge shoutout to my mom and Colleen Seminara who serendipitously made the trip to Val D’Isere to watch us race and were the best cheering squad!
lovin your reportage.. you really hang it all out.. & you take us there & so generous vibe.. cool
If there’s some like you in every athletic or sporting endeavour I hope to find them all ! 🦎🏴☠️