This weekend was quite disappointing and writing about it makes it all the more real. It does not feel very good to be trying so hard at something and to care so much about it and to continually fall short. Actually it feels quite bad.
I used to get more caught up in the optics of ski racing and wondering what other people would think if I was slow or didn’t reach my goals. Ski racing is a very public quest (for those who care about it), and anyone who wants, can look at the results or check social media and see that I’ve failed to finish the last five World Cup races. But that doesn’t bother me anymore. Mostly because I’m really just trying to make myself proud. Of course I care what others think and want to show all the people that support me that I can be fast and have good results. And I want to do well for all the countless people who have helped me on this journey. But at the end of the day, I will always be the one who sets the highest bar for myself. The one who knows what I am capable of, who knows how much work I’ve put in and how much I care about ski racing. And because of that, I will always be the one most disappointed in myself, to the extent that I no longer worry what others think. A blessing and a curse.
On days like yesterday ( and today) it’s hard to feel all these things so heavily. How could I possibly mess up three times in a row? Why am I so upset about one weekend of races? Is it okay to care this much about a sport? When will this feeling of disappointment in myself go away? But I know that tomorrow as soon as I start training and am able to turn this frustration into motivation to keep pushing and working hard I will start feeling a lot better. Honestly, this is the most certain I have ever felt about my commitment to ski racing, and I think that if I can feel that way on one of my worst days, than that’s a pretty good sign I’m doing something I love that’s worth trying hard at :)
Reflecting more objectively on this weekend, I honestly wouldn’t change much. I’m really excited that I’m figuring out my mental game more and more every race. And I feel the most confident in my skiing so far this season. AND my teammates are all having great results, and I know I can be right there with them. I’m confident the speed is there (as evidenced by some fast splits and good turns). So it’s just a matter of executing on race day (easier said than done of course).
Some highlights from this weekend:
"I will always be the one most disappointed in myself, to the extent that I no longer worry what others think. A blessing and a curse." Stated so simply and perfectly. I can relate!! But the self awareness in that fact is what helps us move forward, I suppose :)
Envious of the pizza...