the clock and I

an ~evolving relationship

As an athlete who competes against the clock, it’s easy to get caught up in the finality of results and to let those results feel like self worth. It’s happened to me pretty much every season. At one point or another.

Which is ironic, because one of the biggest pieces of advice I give to younger athletes is to reflect objectively on results. Look at what went right, what went wrong, learn and grow. It sounds simple. But it’s genuinely one of the hardest things to do consistently, especially when you care so much about something and emotions are running high.

Another tricky part is that the more you commit to something, the more it starts to feel like a reflection of who you are. When you give 100% of yourself to something and the results still don’t come, it’s easy to fall down the rabbit hole of “I did everything I possibly could and I still wasn’t good enough.”

But what is good enough? That benchmark seems to be quite fickle.

To be clear, I'm not saying ignore results. I need to know what's fast and what isn't. The clock is one of the most objective and useful tools I have to get better. But there's a difference between using results as information and letting them define you.

This heaviness used to consume me far more than it does these days (thankfully!). But something I’ve noticed is that the feeling of disappointment isn’t so bad when you can immediately focus on the next thing. A bad training run followed by immediately going for another run. A tough race followed by a travel day and then right back into the next race week. When there’s forward momentum, the disappointment gets channeled into motivation pretty quickly. You don’t have time to dwell because there’s something to do about it.

But when you have to sit with a bad result for a while, a week off, a break in the schedule, long plane rides with nothing but your own thoughts, that’s when it gets harder. The persistent buzz of dissatisfaction doesn’t go away. It builds.

Which is (unfortunately) how my week at home started to feel.

As soon as I arrived home, I was already antsy to get back on skis. But the whole point of the break was to reset (mentally, physically, emotionally.)

As I was catching up on emails, I came across my favorite newsletter, James Clear’s 3-2-1, with two great quotes.

The first was from the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche:

“The history of every day. — What is the history of every day in your case? Look at your habits that constitute it: are they the product of innumerable little cowardices and lazinesses, or of your courage and inventive reason?”

And the second from the expressionist painter Paula Modersohn-Becker, in a letter to the poet Rainer Maria Rilke:

“I am Me, and I hope to become Me more and more.”

The Nietzsche quote was the perfect reminder that the little things do matter. Every day. And that every day you can choose who you want to be. And suddenly! I didn’t have to wait until I had another World Cup race to get rid of the residual feeling of failure :)

The other big realization from my week at home was that sometimes it is important to sit with the dissatisfaction. Sure, being disappointed and having a chip on your shoulder can be turned into motivation. But I think reflection, digging deeper into why I’m feeling that way, can be even more powerful for me.

And that’s what I ended up doing at home. I looked objectively at my past results, my process, my execution, everything. And I realized that not only am I doing a lot better and better every race, but also, there has been a ton of progress this season. And I was able to better understand the areas for improvement. This in itself has increased my confidence, but even more importantly, I find I’m much less afraid of feeling disappointed.

The more objective I can be looking back, the more intentional I can be looking forward, and the more I can focus on the process and how I want to show up every day, then the better I can feel at the end of a race regardless of the outcome.

And the Modersohn-Becker quote is just a beautiful way of saying that selfhood is a continual process. I’m always becoming. There is no arrival point where I’ll have it all figured out. And I find that really comforting.

Especially in a sport where it can feel like every race is a final verdict on who you are.

P.S. Getting so many nice messages and talking with family and friends was also a lovely reminder that the clock never really has the final say on my self-worth (even if it does feel like that for a short while).

P.P.S I have a lot of pictures I haven’t posted from this season so will post throughout the next few blogs in chronological order.

started the new year jet lagged at 6 am waiting for breakfast to open so we could go train super g !

and wowwwwwwww was it worth it! San Pellegrino has some of the best sunrises Ive ever seen. (the training would have been worth it by itself though :))

getting distracted while inspecting

also got to watch my college roomie and long time friend Julia Kern (and teammate Jessie Diggins) crush it in the final stage of the Tour de ski which is always the MOST inspiring to see the nordies send it up the final climb.

and this is why I dont eat Pizza in the US anymore ….

some speedy super g turns

and a little bit of gs to keep the body MOVING! (keely, mary and I are the consistent gs/speed crew and were all ~determined to continue the GS dream (plus it helps my speed skiing a ton)

The Zauchensee world cup start is one of the most epic of the season. Unfortunately this year we had wayyyy too much snow which meant we had to start from the lowered start.

Zauchensee is one of my favorite downhills….

but unfortunately the race day was completely unfair as it started absolutely blizzarding at bib 45 :(

Very disappointing considering these were some of my very best downhill turns of the season :/ but onwards to the super g which is also my favorite!

but then the super g got cancelled :( And I was the most disappointed.

but friends made it better :)

having family who fly and surprise you at your race makes me want to cry all over again just thinking about how nice this was!

and best friends who fly all the way across the world to watch makes me smile even more!

and a very epic pow day with friends is pretty sweet lemonade (even when you would have rather been racing super g) !

I am one lucky girl!