I felt good all morning. Not necessarily physically as I was still fighting a cold and had to blow my nose between every warm up run.
But I was in a good headspace.
I was happy and excited.
My plan was simple: forward low downhill ski charging. Stay fluid. Let the good skiing out. Don’t overthink and just go.
Then the course started to break down and the plan adjusted a bit.
I was able to see the tricky spots watching the other girls on the live feed before me and checked in with our head coach at the top of the race to confirm my plan.
It wasn’t going to feel great but I still needed to push.
I knew the two or three keys spots that you needed to set up and adjusted my game plan to just be a bit higher and come down on the gates because of the soft spring snow. Versus really charging and attacking with a straight line which was my original plan.
Mostly i wanted to make turns I was proud of and attack the whole way.
I kicked out of the start gate with my characteristic grunt (yes this is embraassing and I cringe anything I hear it when watching my video, but it helps get me in the right mindset).
The top pitch I was a bit cautious and a little too round but I wanted to feel out the snow. Once I got past the third gate I went more into attack mode and charged nailing the left foot delay that led to the long flat section (normally carrying speed onto flats is not my strong suit but I had a really good plan here and executed well). The flats were incredibly sticky but Lauren had radioed up that it would feel this way so I didn’t panicked and refocused. Coming onto the next pitch attacking and charging. Clean downhill ski smooth releasing. I nailed the right foot with the massive hole and charged the next double onto the next mini pitch where there was a blind gate over the roll. I came onto the pitch too straight and barely made the next gate before realizing I was headed straight at the following gate and straddled. Ending my run.
F***!!!! The course was incredibly sticky not in the track so I stayed focus while trying to stop and made my way to the finish. Damn. What went wrong. I took a few minutes to let the adrenaline out. Congratulated my teammates, asked them how it was.
And then as I walked out of the finish corral I felt the usual emotions well up and I knew I was about to break down.
I had done everything I wanted. Skied aggressive but smart in the tricky sections. Pushed in the turny sections. The past few races I’ve had super fast splits but overskied the easier sections. So I wanted to charge.
I knew this course so well and yet I still went too straight over the blind gate and I couldn’t redirect the skis in time to save my run.
One run I’m over turning. The next I go out going too straight. Am I ever going to figure it out?
My splits were fast again. I was on my way to another top 25. This always stings a bit more. Especially when my mind wanders to could have should have etc. It makes my disappointment in myself grow.
But my goal going into this last race weekend was to make turns I was proud of and ski to the best of my ability. I did that. And it feels good to know I have the speed. But it’s still not a result.
I know I can be fast. I know I’ve put in the work. I know my potential.
But I still fell short.
Luckily we have one more World Cup race tomorrow.
One more chance.
Although I’m trying to let go of the consequences and the expectation and the pressure and just ski my best.
I did that 3/4 of the way today.
But what I’m most proud of today is my mindset all morning. All season I’ve been struggling mentally and today was a massive step in the right direction. There were negative thoughts that came up trying to self sabotage but I was able to acknowledge and dismiss them easily.
I was able to actually enjoy the day and even now writing this I can feel the difference compared to after every other disappointing race this season. (For one, I’m not bawling my eyes out).
So I’ll take that small win.
Tomorrow the goal is the same. Turns I’m proud of, good focus (but please please please all the way down.)
I know I can.
