Some Thoughts, Observations, and Questions From the Last Few Weeks
Sometimes, I struggle to write these blogs because I feel like at this point I must sound like a broken record to my OG subscribers. And to my new subscribers—hello! This one’s going to be emotional.
I’ve written and rewritten this blog so many times over the past few weeks.
One of the hardest things for me when writing this blog and reflecting on my skiing is that if I am at all down, I feel incredibly ungrateful, which is the last thing I want to be perceived as. How do I be vulnerable with expressing the hard parts of the journey without sounding ungrateful?
I know (from the bottom of my heart) that I am so incredibly blessed to be doing what I am doing.
But to be very honest—the last few weeks have been mentally tough.
It’s complicated to feel sad when you are keenly aware of how lucky you are.
The Weight of Disappointment
The biggest thing I’ve been struggling with is a deep sense of disappointment in myself. It’s not quite shame—I’m not embarrassed—but I feel this heavy frustration with myself for not being able to do the things I know I should be able to do.
I’ve also felt pretty lonely and isolated, mostly because I’ve been trying to hide these feelings and put on a good face.
And yet, even with all of this, I still love ski racing. Maybe that’s part of the stress—the pressure to perform so I can keep doing what I love.
I was talking to a friend the other day, and she commented, “It’s pretty crazy that skiing makes you so sad, and yet you still love it so much.”
She’s right. But that’s what makes sport (and any big challenge) so rewarding.
The problem is, over the past few weeks, the negative emotions have been weighing me down much more than they should.
I’m happy to report that I’m slowly starting to feel better (which is good considering this is the fourth draft of this blog!). But even if I wasn’t, I’d still write this. Because it’s okay to be in the thick of it too.
Some Thoughts and Reminders (For You and Me)
In my many drafts of this blog, I scribbled down a lot of thoughts, feelings, questions. Here are a few that stuck with me :)
FaceTiming with friends and family really helps to get out of our own minds.
Is complaining/voicing our frustrations okay sometimes? I find that when I don’t talk about frustrations I just bottle them up and they build and build.
Why do we so quickly lose perspective?
My longtime friend and teammate, Nina, reminded me the other week that I’ve already scored twice in sg which is the total amount of times I scored for the entire season last year!
It is a waste of time to argue/talk with someone who’s intentions are not to understand or help you.
A change of environment is very powerful.
Why do we compare ourselves to the people it seems easy for and not think about the million of people it seems hard for.
honestly we shouldn’t compare at all :/
Bad habits are hard to break. Waiting to address them only makes them harder.
You know you best. Ask for lots of advice, but always trust yourself.
Time makes everything feel better.
Attitude is very important :)
Final Thoughts
I don’t know if this blog feels too repetitive, but maybe it’s okay if it does. Because life is cyclical, and sometimes we need to be reminded of the same things over and over again. At least, I certainly do!
My other hesitation with writing blogs like this is that they feel very black and white. But as much as we may try, life and emotions are not binary! There is so much nuance (thank goodness). So even when I am feeling the bad emotions, there’s still a lot of good :) And I’m slowly changing the gradient to more good and less bad.
Here are some photos to prove the point (some good, some bad, some mundane, some exciting!)
starting off strong! Cougs (lauren) won a world cup!!!!! at the St Anton SG. This was so amazing.
my long time friend and former competitor Meredith (and my dartmouth friend/classmate Dana) both were in St Anton and came to watch the downhill!
Long time family friends The Dahms and Campbells also accompanied my parents to watch in St Anton! Of course we had to ask the hotel to put the bills game on the TV :)
St Anton was mostly good skiing from me but I made one very costly mistake in the downhill and bad execution in the super g.
We always always watch our teammates when they are racing (usually on a phone at lunch :) go nina go!
Cortina hospitality pic (waiting for downhill training)
Daddy Mangan in Cortina! How lucky am I to have my parents come over to support for two weeks!
lots and lots of delicious pizza in Italy and it tastes even better with great company!
one of the biggest highlights from the past couple weeks was my mom surprising me in the finish of the super g in cortina (she was supposed to be at the airport with my dad flying home that day but made a herculean effort to stay and watch me)
Always wear my bills shirt in the finish on game day - even though Lauren doesn’t support (boooooo!)
squad pic in the finish of Cortina after a successful SG day (24th for me :))!
celebrating Breezy’s birthday in Cortina with some tiramisu - not so bad!
Cortina Downhill action shot - I really struggle with this downhill because it feels like you need to be absolutely perfect with the line, but when I think about the line so much I dont ski very well, so as a result I was very slow here ( for many other reasons too).
wowwweee - look at how beautiful the cortina start is
next stop was Garmisch where we visited the Army base for an autograph signing session! It almost feels like a home race :)
very very warm weather, so have to keep the boots cold and hard during long delays.
Ms. Keely Cashmen on her way to inspect the sg in the rain and then ski to a personal best result of 6TH!!!!
Lauren (6th) and Breezy (4th) at the Garmisch Downhill award ceremony!
me fighting my way down Garmisch. I actually love part of this course because it’s all about sending it on the hard, dark, bumpy bottom conditions. Unfortunately I crashed in the downhill (but was fine).
Garmisch SG - I made a really big mistake going slightly the wrong direction off one of the jumps and totally blew a really good chance. This result hurt the most for sure, maybe because it was the last chance before world champs and a long break in the world cup schedule.
whenever we travel from one race location to the next (or training location) we stop on the way for sushi to get a break from all the meat, bread, cheese that makes up 90% of our meals.
giving the body some tlc because it definitely needs it
trying to go on more walks to clear the head - not sure if this is good or leads to more over thinking …
after Garmisch we drove to Ultental Italy for a couple days off, which were very needed after three weeks straight of intense racing.
the least glamorous part of life as a professional skier is loading and unloading our 50 million bags and skis. Unfortunately in this hotel we had to take them up the elevator to the makeshift ‘ski room’ in the attic
after Ultental, I said farewell to the team that was heading to world champs and went on a solo gs training trip to Toblach Italy. This was a good reminder for those days
a solo bresola pizza dinner was incredibly enjoyed
ANDDDD I got to see my ex teammate Madi Hoffman and her coach/serviceman Cam (also past Team X :)) Madi tore both her knees in December and is rehabbing in Austria post surgery, but remains as positive and hard working as ever!
solo drive from Toblach to Bardonnecia Italy (where I am now) with a stop in Bolzano - only messed up the tolls a couple times :) iykyk
next it was time for 2 fis sg races on a very flat hill and my first gs race of the year!
I got 4th, 2nd, and 3rd with some solid skiing!
afternoon treats are hard to pass up in italy :/
and now we are here for another week to race Europa Cup Super G - I clean my room daily but it always looks something like this :)
Thank you for reading and following! More to come soon :)
This took some grit to put together. It reminds me of a time more than 10 years ago when you were struggling to finish during training. The sport has always meant so much to you, and typically the things that mean so much to us we are the most passionate about. That can come out in frustration, dissapointment, excitement, joy....the full range of emotions really. You would not talk about it then, you told me you were fine and kept pushing. You are so determined and capable, this growth in being able to write it down, the awareness, and the mental toughness to keep pushing through is huge. That day on Fall Line all those years ago we gave you the choice to step back, take a break, or call it a day if you were not able to bring the positivity and find the mindset to work through the struggles. You were so mad that we would even suggest stepping back, and you struggled through the full day of training. The things that we are most proud of we have to fight and struggle for! Keep your chin up, ski fast, and HAVE FUN!
Your process, mental, physical, and otherwise seems rock solid (including and maybe especially this piece). Some similarities with people I work with in recovery world. I tell them, and practice this myself. Sometimes when all is cloudy, just go get yourself the best goddamn chocolate milkshake you can find. I checked results test and was so happy for your FIS finishes. A podium is a podium!
This took some grit to put together. It reminds me of a time more than 10 years ago when you were struggling to finish during training. The sport has always meant so much to you, and typically the things that mean so much to us we are the most passionate about. That can come out in frustration, dissapointment, excitement, joy....the full range of emotions really. You would not talk about it then, you told me you were fine and kept pushing. You are so determined and capable, this growth in being able to write it down, the awareness, and the mental toughness to keep pushing through is huge. That day on Fall Line all those years ago we gave you the choice to step back, take a break, or call it a day if you were not able to bring the positivity and find the mindset to work through the struggles. You were so mad that we would even suggest stepping back, and you struggled through the full day of training. The things that we are most proud of we have to fight and struggle for! Keep your chin up, ski fast, and HAVE FUN!
Your process, mental, physical, and otherwise seems rock solid (including and maybe especially this piece). Some similarities with people I work with in recovery world. I tell them, and practice this myself. Sometimes when all is cloudy, just go get yourself the best goddamn chocolate milkshake you can find. I checked results test and was so happy for your FIS finishes. A podium is a podium!